I was doing online journal hopping again. I stumbled upon two old Filipino blogs and I was both amused and saddened. An interesting one was AMIDST SPELL, a blog that only had 5 posts, but I guess the blog was made as an outlet for a girl’s feelings. I'm not so sure if the following entries are authentic or just fiction, but I'm sad for her all the same.
A post written in August 2002 says:
“...may gusto akong sabihin sa kanya pero di ko masabi, natatakot ako baka di nya ako maintindihan. minsan, nararamdaman kong ganun din sya sa akin, pero bakit di nya sinasabi. naguguluhan na ako. tama nga bang ibigin sya ng tutuo? hay....naku! kailan nya kaya malalaman? sana, di maging huli ang lahat...”
("..there something I want to tell him but I can't, I'm afraid he won't understand. Sometimes, I feel he might feel the same way about me, but he's not saying anything. I'm confused. Is it even right to love him? hay.... naku! I wonder will he ever know? I hope it won't be too late...")
By December 2002 however:
"...malungkot ako ngayon. nakausap ko si eppy ko sa phone last sunday. akala ko magiging masaya na ako ulit na marinig ang boses nya. nang sinabi nyang masaya sya ng matanggap ang sulat ko, ganun din ang lola nya, natuwa ako ng sobra. ngunit di ko inaasahang yun na pala ang magiging last ngiti sa aking bibig. biglang napigil ang aking pagngiti ng sinabi nyang may girlfriend na sya. sa mga time na yun dear blogger, di ko malaman kung bakit lahat ng mga salitang dapat ay lumabas sa aking bibig ay biglang naglaho. ang tangi ko na lamang naramdaman ay ang init ng naglalaglagang luha sa aking mga mata. marami syang sinabi na di ko na marinig. marami syang tinanong na di ko na masagot-sagot. ngunit ang di nya alam, mas maraming bagay sa akin ay di nya nalaman. at yun ang pinakamasakit. ang maglihim ng isang damdamin sa taong iyong iniibig. at ang magpahiwatig nito kung kelan ay...huli na ang lahat ;( dear blogger, mahal ko si eppy at di ko kayang mawala sya sa akin... di man nya alam, di man sya naging akin. "
("I'm sad at this moment. I've talked to Eppy through the phone last Sunday. I thought I would be happy once more with hearing his voice. He said he was cheered when he got my letter, the same thing goes for his grandmother, I was overjoyed. However I hadn't realized that it would be my last. That smile froze when he said he finally had a girlfriend. And during that moment my dear blogger, I don't know why but all words are lost and I couldn't say anything back. The only thing I could feel was the warmth of my falling tears. He went on talking, but I couldn't hear him already. He asked questions but I couldn't reply. He isn't aware that there are still a lot of things about me he doesn't know about. And that hurts the most. To keep your love for someone a secret, and by the time you're ready to show your feelings... it's already too late ; (
Dear blogger, I love Eppy and I can't afford to lose him...even if he knows nothing, even he didn't became mine")
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| How I'm imagining her after that phone call |
Soooooo, I think she'd rather preserve their friendship instead of confessing her feelings and risks losing whatever relationship they have. Such martyrdom.
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